in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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