Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
