My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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