Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
