I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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