So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
