after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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