so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
