wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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