Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
