I am in a vortex of obligation.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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