Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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