Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
