my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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