Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
