It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
