The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
