My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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