so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
