He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
