Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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