yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
