The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
