No awkward lesbian experiences without me
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have aggressive nipples.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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