i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
