I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
