1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
