He kissed a someone with a penis
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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