I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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