he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
