Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
