I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
