I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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