The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
