Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
