You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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