I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
