Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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