Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
