This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
