no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
