i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Randomize
