if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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