Little spoons don't ask big questions
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
This toilet bowl is my home.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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