i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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