Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
