No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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