I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
