Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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