I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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