He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
