I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
