Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
