you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
My vagina just clenched in fear
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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