I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize