I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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