i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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