Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
