can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
