No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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