Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
