11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
