Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
