How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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